Essex soap opera

The Daily Telegraph reports that "a number of patrons" (think that means punters) walked out of Dvorak's opera Rusalka at the Royal Opera House in protest at it's "vulgar staging" and "scanty costumes". "As long as I kept my eyes shut it was gorgeous," one Jane Tinkler told the Telegraph after walking out. "But the set and costumes owed too much of a debt to The Only Way Is Essex". It was also booed at the end by those who stayed. What snobbery. Opera is basically bird meets bloke with iffy results. If Towie isn't full of operatic passion then what is?

Fame: What is it good for?

Where there's fame it seems there's always some drunken Herberts ready to attack. "Amy: My Life is at Rock Bottom" reads the strap line on the front page go OK! Well, Amy Childs' life isn't quite at rock bottom as she's doing the interview from a room overlooking the Hollywood sign. But she has regrettably suffered incidents of vandalism in Brentwood. Her parents' house has had stones thrown at it and her car has been scratched.

Meanwhile Lauren Goodger's new salon in Buckhurst Hill had the windows smashed and a small fire started in the window display the night after it opened (not exactly the "firebombing" described in the Daily Mail, but serious enough). It's ironic that people who criticise Towie often say they're famous for doing nothing, but when they do start a proper business it gets vandalised. Fame comes with a price from well-jel lowlife and you hope the makers of Towie warned the young people involved of this. Thankfully Lauren has now reopened her salon. And to cheer her up Kate Middleton had declared herself a fan of Towie and says that Lauren is her favourite character.

Basildon's snow business

Great picture of the famous Hollywood sign on the Basildon/Hollywood roundabout on the A127, taken from the excellent Bas Vegas website. Good to see the locals learning to love their kitsch sign. In the recent snows the sign's been augmented by a giant snow penis, which is a very Basildonian form of acceptance.

It's draining Rolexes in Southend

The Southend drains are paved with Rolexes. Drain cleaner Aaron Large struck gold when he found four designer watches down a couple of drains in Chalkwell. They're worth around £60,000 and since no-one has claimed them it looks as if he'll become the legal owner. It seems a particularly inept tea-leaf might have stashed the watches down the drain without reckoning on the vigilant Me Large. That's one iffy drain - and police are said to be looking into it.

Chips and caravans on Towie

Is this the first use of fish and chips in Towie? Mick Norcross took Joey, Diags, Arg and Mario for a lads sleepover in his caravan at snowy Walton-on-theNaze. They boys ran in the sea and in the evening stood round a brazier drinking beer and eating fish and chips. Mario was amazed that Walton-on-th-Naze really was part of Essex, while Chloe had earlier warned "Caravan… winter… mental!" Possibly Arg agreed as he ran out of the freezing sea shouting "My balls, my balls!"

Essex is surely the world centre of the chip shop and during my researches so far I can report that the Islanders chippy in Canvey Island is exceptional and sells MSC approved fish, while I've also enjoyed fine chips at the Flying Fish in Brentwood, Dhillons in Grays, Fishy Business in Corbet's Tye Road, Upminster, and the chippy near the Pier in Southend where we ate fish and chips on the beach. There's clearly a firm Essex County Council rule that every town in Essex has to have a chippy, Wimpy and nail and beauty salon.

Meanwhile Mick is emerging as a kind of philosopher king of Essex. Despite running Sugar Hut all he really longs for is his caravan by the sea, chips, a brazier and somewhere he can look up at the stars and dream of meeting Miss Right. Only there were no stars in the sky that wintry night at Walton and Arg suggested, "Mick, you wanna get your money back!"

Claire Voyant

The new series of Towie is becoming more like Friends with excess make-up. Less toxic romance and more of Joey and Diags in cuddly jumpers going bowling in Romford. Not sure their hot dates were that impressed though, but worth watching just to see Joey tackling the snow in Ugg boots and being too cool to wear a coat. In fact all that snow made Brentwood look a bit like new York. Also enjoyed the session with a clairvoyant and Lydia's comment that "I thought Claire Voyant was her name..."

Wright's the name...

Congrats to the post-Towie PR crew. Gemma Collins managed to get a piece defending Adele's figure and more robust women in general into the Sun yesterday, while Mark Wright persuaded Hello! to give him a spread posing outside the Grosvenor House Hotel and in the Rtiz casino as James Bond. And all in a well-classy issue celebrating the Queen's Diamond Jubilee. While Wrighty admits that Bond role might be a little ambitious, he is in discussions about appearing in a gangster movie with the very poor man's James Bond, Danny Dyer. Just as long as he doesn't meet Dr Evil, aka Freddie Starr, he should be fine.