Wednesday, 25 May 2011

Essex's supermarket sweep…

Well, expecting Harry or Joey Essex to trawl the supermaket aisles of Essex without satnav was always a big ask. Today's Guardian reports:

At the next aisle take a left and after two metres turn right. You have reached your destination – now pop the cornflakes into your trolley.

Tesco is trialling the ultimate trolley dash dream in one of its Essex stores – a satnav system to help you find what you want. No more aimlessly wandering the aisles. Tap the product into an app on your smartphone and a map will pop up showing your position and where you can locate it.

That's the theory. Let's see how it goes in Romford first . . .

Monday, 23 May 2011

A Bafta for Essex!

Blimey. Nanny Pat gets a gong and Essex has won a Bafta. The Only Way is Essex beat Downton Abbey to win a Bafta YouTube audience award last night. Proving that Essex is well cultured."Chavs top the toffs," declared the Mirror. While page three (where else?) of the Sun had "The only hooray is Essex".

As Amy said while accepting the award: "Shu' up!"

And presumably Joey Essex is still wondering who this Bafta bloke is.

Tuesday, 17 May 2011

Amy goes wild in the country

Julia Bradbury look out. Amy Childs could be making a bid to become a presenter on Countryfile (John Craven's blood pressure permitting).

Amy recently told FHM: "Brentwood is really green and nice and pretty. Maybe I'll talk about the countryside more. Can you imagine me with a stick going on a ramble? 'Come on everyone let's go!'. Can't say I go on rambles much."

Now's the time to start, Amy. Amy Childs' Thorndon Park Walks would surely be a worthy rival for Julia Bradbury's Canal Walks.

Saturday, 14 May 2011

Well sick

Maybe Essex Man (and Essex Girl) hasn't changed that much.

In his original Essex Man profile in the Sunday Telegraph in October 1990 Simon Heffer wrote: “When one walks through the City most evenings the pools of vomit into which one may step have usually been put there by Essex Man, whose greatly enhanced wealth has exceeded his breeding in terms of alcoholic capacity. The late-night trains from Liverpool street are not lacking drunks, though Essex Man’s sense of decency means he is usually sick before boarding.”

And 21 years on, my copy of New! has a photo of Arg chundering at the TOWIE wrap party. He later tweeted: "I got paraletic at the TOWIE wrap party, Debbie took me home and I puked up all over her car!!!! Hahahaha."

Meanwhile Amy Childs revealed her new boyfriend Joe Hurlock to New! Frank Lampard-lookalike Joe said of their first date: "I was propping her up as we left the bar. I struggled to find a taxi driver who would take them home and when I did, she was sick in his cab."

Amy added: "I can't believe I did that. I drank three bottles of wine because I was nervous."

Thursday, 12 May 2011

Bad girls

Essex Woman might wear lots of make-up, but you don't want to mess with her.

There were always a few scary girls at my school who used to beat up boys in the break. I was reminded of this by the way the wronged Lauren pushed the Travolta-suited Mark into the pool at the end of the second series of The Only Way is Essex. Tht's the ame Lauren who in the first ever episode of TOWIE disapproved if Mark's flirting with Sam and said “I’ll f**ing knock her out the door!”

She's not as hard as Mark's mum Carol though, who's usually backed up by Jess and her cousin. Her withering glances at Lauren could shatter a Rolex at ten paces.

And then there was Amy confronted by Lydia for alleged flirting with Arg. "Are you having a go at me in my salon?" enquired Amy with a steeliness that made Ray Winstone look like Arg.

You'd back this lot to land a TKO against Mark, Arg, Kirk and Joey any day.

Thursday, 5 May 2011

Roll the dice, ’Arry

So they still have furry dice in Essex. Or at least Harry on TOWIE does. While looking at a new motor in the showroom the campest man in the Thames Delta produced a pair of pink furry dice to place under his driving mirror. Very eighties retro Ary. This was before he remembered that he didn't have a licence.

And let's hope he gets Sat Nav, which was surely invented for the benefit of the TOWIE cast. After all, Amy thinks Essex is in South London. And remember the pub quiz where Joey thought that Egypt was the longest pleasure pier in Essex and Amy suggested the Isle of Wight…