Timelord spotted in Colchester

Is there a time rift in Colchester?

In a great TV week for Essex, last Saturday's Doctor Who had the Doctor finding employment in a department store in Colchester, home of Craig Owens, played by James Corden. He also saw Amy and Rory shopping and presumably happily living out their post-Tardis days in Essex.

Meanwhile it seems there's a crashed cyberman spacecraft underneath Colchester and the cybermen are having to rebuild themselves with bits of Essex men and women. Expect the first leopardskin Cyber Leader to arrive in the next series...

Dick's in Essex

Well, the new series of TOWIE has kicked off and the highlights of the first show included Mark Wright doing some very unconvincing tears and swearing to celibacy for a full 14 days. Joey and Kirk are starting to make quite a good double act. There was a heated debate outside Jess's party about the fact that Richard is short for Dick (a fact new to Joey) and some great motoring banter as Kirk explained to Joey what horsepower was (they go in the boot) and how all cars have red brake lights.

Best line though went to Kirk's dad Mick. Flash Kirk had just paid 74k for a Lamborghini, only to be told by his old man that it was "hairdressers' car". And as the astute Mick asked, how is Kirk going to sell property if he turns up in that flash motor? He can hardly plead poverty...

Educating Essex

"Educating Essex head defends 'childish' staff," read the article in Friday's Evening Standard. It was a bit of a non-story really. Educating Essex was an excellent documentary on Passmores School in Harlow (the title shamelesly cashing in on TOWIE of course). The 'row' was over the cameras catching Mr Drew playing a practical joke on his head and eliciting the matey comment "You are such a wanker". Big deal, teachers swear in private.

You have to hope Katherine Tate was watching though, as she could keep Lauren well-bovvered up for years on the surly behaviour of pupils like Charlotte.

Another controversy was the teachers jokingly calling the pupils "scumbags". Teachers like Mr Drew used humour to make history interesting and to diffuse confrontations. If you can't use humour in Essex where can you use it?

Essex in Vogue

Essex mania continues. The Guardian's travel section at the weekend had a two-page spread visiting the tanning salons of Buckhurst Hill and Sugar Hut in Brentwood. Plus "the other way is Essex", a list of more upmarket destinatins like Mersea and Layer Marney.

Meanwhile, Giles Coren has written a piece in Vogue about how he lusts after Essex Girls like Amy Childs. And tonight there's Jo Brand participating in the Maldon Mud Race in Jo Brand's Big Splash on Dave and a Channel 4 documentary on schools called Educating Essex. Clearly Essex sells.

Ethics Man

From today's Guardian:

I propose a TV series aimed at introducing Aristotle to young people (Letters, 17 September). You could call it The Only Way Is Ethics.
Anthony Tasgal
London

Who you gonna call? Not Essex...

An inspired piece of programming from ITV2 last night saw Most Haunted team up with The Only Way Is Essex. One show is a possibly fake reality-based show, and the other is The Only Way is Essex.

The cast were stuck in the tunnels of Coalhouse Fort in Tilbury, once used to defend the Thames. Mark, Arg, Harry, Joey, Sam and Amy were with jumpy presenter Yvette Fielding and spent 90 minutes squealing, whining and crying "Oh my God!", and generally displaying cowardice beyond the call of duty. As Ghostbusters they were about as effective as Mark would be on a women's studies course.

No wonder that poltergeist was angry - would you would want to see the Thames defended by TOWIE?

Best moments were Amy's sustained use of the F word when something grabbed her hair and Joey Essex's inadvertent impersonation of Shaggy in Scooby Doo, Yikes!

Essex and footballers

West Ham players visiting Sugar Hut or Faces beware. A "pal" of Lauren Goodger has told Heat that after her acrimonious split with Mark Wright, "Lauren wants to snog a footballer. Firstly because they're really fit. Secondly because she knows how much it will get to Mark (who had dreams of being a professional footballer). She thinks it will get him back."

Essexuality

Now back in England and glad to see that the TOWIE stars are still naking a fine job of being famous for being infamous.

Sam turned up on Shooting Stars (where Vic Reeves did a very bad Essex accent), Amy Childs was evicted from Celebrity Big Brother after causing much sexual tension in a room full of people with haircuts they no longer believed in (to paraphrase Billy Bragg), Gemma is still on the cover of New magazine for losing weight, and the love split of Mark and Lauren has been dissected as if it were the assassination of President Kennedy in Heat, Now, New and many other similarly-named celeb mags. While Joey Essex asks "what's notch?>" in Heat when questioned about notches on his bedpost.

All this and a new series of TOWIE starting on September 18...