There's only one effing Essex...

Quite an end to season three of TOWIE. It's the moments where it veers from scripted naffness to genuine emotion such as the quivering lips of Lucy and Mario that the viewers love. You can't really imagine a scriptwriter coming up with the very Essex dialogue of Lauren and Sam with its epic "F**k off!" and "F**king w***er!" denouement.

Meanwhile Mark's gone off to do something by himself away from Essex (surely not in Australia, Mark?) and got all Brokebank Mountain in the farewell scene with Arg, before shuffling off at the end like James Dean as a rebel with a spray tan.

While Gemma declared that no-one in Essex travels on a bus because 'It's embarrassing" and Joey Essex thought that Guy Fawkes died on the cross and that the Queen lived in the Houses of Parliament, while his cousin Chloe used to think that the Moon and Sun were "the same planet".

Mastermind's loss has been Essex's gain.

Towie at the Irons

Harry Durbidge and Amy Childs from TOWIE appeared on the West Ham pitch at half-time last night. Maybe Amy believes Bristol City is a new cosmetic salon in Brentwood. Harry was wearing an “I only kiss West Ham fans” t-shirt. Though Big Sam Allardyce probably thinks “Shu’ up!” is Harry’s plan to see the game out.

After a couple of drinks in The Central we returned past the players’ car park and saw Harry leaving with a child on his shoulders and surrounded by autograph hunters.

Could Harry be the solution to West Ham's injury crisis? The lad’s only 17, wonder if he can play a decent through ball… Shu’ up!

Malibu and pineapples all round

Oh my gosh! Essex's annus mirabilis (that's not something connected to a vajazzle) continues with the news that the gushing and rather glorious Essex motormouth Stacey Solomon has won I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out of Here! Oh, and painter and decorator Matt Cardle is in the final of X Factor after doing all sorts of Essexian things with make-up girls according to the Sun.

Never mind the Australian jungle. "I can't wait to get back to Dagenham. I'm going to see my friends and go down the pub for a Malibu and pineapple, maybe two," says Stace. The future is Essex.