Demise of an Essex Man

So Andy Coulson has been arrested and bailed over the News of the World phone hacking scandal. Where did it all go wrong for a former reporter on the Basildon Evening Echo?

Many commentators have already seen it as ambitious Essex Man with no class getting his comeuppance...

But delve a little deeper and there's evidence of another character flaw. The BBC profile claims that Coulson is a fanatical Tottenham Hotspur supporter. Why did a boy from Wicford desert West Ham, tradional repository of Essex hearts? Even Southend United would have been OK. But Spurs?

No wonder he apparently left his moral compass in Basildon.

Essex couture

The makers of The Only Way Is Essex are bringing out a set of TOWIE branded clothes. Ever since my childhood visits to Mr Byrite at Romford it's been obvious that Essex is a centre for fine couture. Think I'll give Harry's Lady Ga Ga outfit a miss though...

Essex Down Under

Plenty of Essex links in Australia already. We've diacovered an Essex Road in Fremantle and the woman selling tickets to Bridgedale, the 1862 first house in Bridgetown, WA, said her husband came from Billericay.

While Tony the train manager on the epic Indian-Pacific journey from Perth to Adelaide has a brother-in-law in England who's a masive West Ham fan and another traveller from Adelaide worked at a pub called the Cricketers in Essex in 1966...

No worries, mate

We're off on an a trip to Australia and the Solomon Islands now... At least Perth has a Brentwood and Oz is spiritually part of Essex, mate, being flat and full of blondes and blokes called Shane. And I think Essex sailors had an influence on the Pidgin dialect in the Solomons...

Will update with Essex news from the other side of the world when possible.

The Battle of Maldon

Maldon has an ambience reminiscent of North Norfolk or Cornwall rather than Essex. The half-hour bus journey from Chelmsford feels like you’re going into another land and the sense of otherworldliness is compounded by the fact that on the bus are two people with backpacks returning from teaching in Africa.

We meet my old school friend Alison in town and walk to the Blackwater Estuary. Here there’s pubs, mudflats, seabirds, Thames sailing barges, a playground, funfair and much else to delight my kids such as chips and cheese.

The Battle of Maldon of 991 is still big here. In the Plume Library at All Saints’ Church there’s the Maldon Embroidery commemorating the 100th anniversary of the battle. Essex’s version of the Bayeux Tapestry.

There’s a statue of Saxon loser Lord Byrhtnoth at the end of the Blackwater Estuary. We pose for a picture underneath the sword wielding Saxon.

Alison tells us the story of how the Vikings were trapped on Northey Island, out in the river. The Norwegian Olaf’s forces couldn’t get across the small causeway to the mainland so Olaf sent a messenger to Byrhtnoth asking him to allow his warriors on to the shore for a fair fight.

Showing all the military acumen of Harry and Joey Essex, Byrhtnoth agreed to this and the Saxons duly got hammered, with poor Byrhtnoth losing his head. Rumours that his descendents later managed West Ham can’t be discounted.

There’s history in Maldon, and of course a New Year’s Day mud race across the estuary. The day ends with a pint of Maldon Hotel porter in the Queen’s Head. Not great at battles in Maldon, but they do know how to brew a nice beer.

Essex's supermarket sweep…

Well, expecting Harry or Joey Essex to trawl the supermaket aisles of Essex without satnav was always a big ask. Today's Guardian reports:

At the next aisle take a left and after two metres turn right. You have reached your destination – now pop the cornflakes into your trolley.

Tesco is trialling the ultimate trolley dash dream in one of its Essex stores – a satnav system to help you find what you want. No more aimlessly wandering the aisles. Tap the product into an app on your smartphone and a map will pop up showing your position and where you can locate it.

That's the theory. Let's see how it goes in Romford first . . .

A Bafta for Essex!

Blimey. Nanny Pat gets a gong and Essex has won a Bafta. The Only Way is Essex beat Downton Abbey to win a Bafta YouTube audience award last night. Proving that Essex is well cultured."Chavs top the toffs," declared the Mirror. While page three (where else?) of the Sun had "The only hooray is Essex".

As Amy said while accepting the award: "Shu' up!"

And presumably Joey Essex is still wondering who this Bafta bloke is.